Step 9
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
What it means
Changed behavior, sustained over time. Words are the smallest part.
How abandonment distorts it
Amends becomes a bid: if I apologize well enough, she will reassure me. That is not amends, that is pursuit.
In this marriage
Amends to my wife are behavioral and quiet. They are not a conversation I need her to respond to in a particular way.
Inside me
Amends to myself: keep one promise to myself daily. That is the whole thing.
Do not do this for 0 minutes
- Do not make amends in order to be forgiven, reassured, or taken back. If the response matters to you, wait until it does not. And do not apologize for being hurt by the affair.
Behavioral exercise
- Make one amends this week, with no expectation attached to the response.